The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
i think i just lost a toe
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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