i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
