I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I can text with my tongue
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
