tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
