i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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