I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
