I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
