In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
