I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
