I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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