I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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