he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
