Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I could fuck to npr.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
