i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
