If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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