I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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