I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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