I think I just saw someone hide a body.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Are my feet made of real feet?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
