i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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