I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
