just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
