I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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