New invention idea: vibrating tampons
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
So many bounce houses so little time
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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