his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
