Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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