My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
