He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
