Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize