I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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