Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
