JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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