God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
