I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
