did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
