Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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