seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
