I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You ruined the universe
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
