I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Randomize
