Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize