onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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