I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think my moral compass just broke
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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