Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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