i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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