So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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