You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
They took my balls.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
