My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
