drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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