you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
