Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
We have started to decorate penises.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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