Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize