I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Found the puke drawer
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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