Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
