This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You pole danced in your parka.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
