my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
