There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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