Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
