U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
