So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
