mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
