i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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