That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Randomize
