The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
