I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Randomize
