so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
