I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
